munchman: Writer News That Made Me Say, “Uh-oh”

The munchman admits it. Whenever I hear about people who seem, erm, less qualified than they might be but who get  good writing gigs – especially gigs I wish I had – my stomach gets all funky and I hit my head against the nearest wall. And wonder…well, I wonder “Why?” mainly, but in more graphic terms.

Mostly this happens when the writers in question are known primarily for success in other arenas. especially when, all things considered, that success is pretty mild. Yeah, I know we’ll get some angry comments/e-mails about that statement so let me respond in advance: “Screw you too.”

Time now for a couple of cases in point:

micheleLea Michele of GLEE has signed with Harmony Books to write her first book, Brunette Ambition, a memoir-style guide about, we assume, how hip and trendy she became as she climbed the showbiz ladder to become one of television’s most  blind-gossiped about stars. Well, we think she is. The items are, after all, blind.

“There wasn’t a guidebook when I was growing up that detailed everything I would need to do, and know, to get where I am today,” Michele said in a recent press release, adding, “I believe I can write one of sorts: not a how-to-make-it-in-show-business book, but a guide to harnessing tenacity, passion, enthusiasm, and hard work to make your dreams come true.”

cochranJohn Cochran, winner of the most recent SURVIVOR series, SURVIVOR: CARAMOAN, issued a hipper and trendier press release on Twitter, saying, “I’m thrilled to announce that I’m going to be a writer on the new CBS sitcom ‘The Millers’…!” After which all of his 120,000+ followers told him how much he deserved this chance. Well, maybe not all, but more than would tweet if I announced the same thing. Although I do have a pretty big family. Hmm…

Anyway, I haven’t read a further Twitter response from John, so I’m thinking that he isn’t nearly as quick-witted and quick-talking as he should be. I’m much faster and funnier and probably a bigger survivor too. C’mon, you mentally deficient shrikes behind THE MILLERS, gimme a chance. You’ll regret it if you don’t – when it’s you and moi on the next island together.

Bwahh.

Today’s TV Writing Deals Dept: 10/7/12

Old TV writing joke: “Know why TV writers brag about their deals? Cuz that’s all they have.” Think about it:

  • Tyler Perry (TYLER PERRY’s HOUSE OF PAYNE, MEET THE BROWNS) is writing and producing 2 new shows for OWN, in return for which he now has a very large ownership stake in the net. (Jeeze, nobody ever told us we had to buy our way into TV…and yet it definitely makes sense. Depressing sense, but sense.)
  • Douglas Segal (THREE KINGS) is writing a supernatural drama about a devil trying to save “compromised souls” for the CW. (Let that be a lesson to us all: No compromise! No surrender! Oh, that isn’t what it means?)
  • M. Night Shyamalan (THE SIXTH SENSE) & John Glenn (EAGLE EYE) are writing the pilot for LOST HORIZON for NBC. (Strangely, LOST HORIZON isn’t based on the book of the same name but on MOBY DICK. We figure somebody misread their high school reading list and still hasn’t been corrected.)
  • Ryan Murphy (GLEE, AMERICAN HORROR STORY, THE NEW NORMAL) is writing the pilot for MONTAUK, a conspiracy thriller, for Fox and an unnamed sitcom for NBC. (Yes, it’s true. We don’t even know this guy and we hate him. We really do. And if that isn’t the essence of showbiz, what is?)
  • Charley and Vlas Parlapanides (IMMORTALS) are writing THE CENTURIAN, about a Marine working with the angel of his best friend for CBS. (The way we hear it, the original pitch was about a Marine working with “the agent” of his best friend, but something got lost in the translation and who’s going to argue with a “Yes?”)
  • GIRLS creator Lena Dunham will be getting over $3,500,000 for her book of essays, Not That Kind of Girl, (because she’s got herself a very hot, in, and trendy series and why should she settle for less?)