The Good:

  • The first episode of CROSSBONES plunges us right into an action-packed story with a rousing sea battle.
  • John Malkovich joins the ranks of great TV actors of 2014. (A year filled with great TV actors, btw.)

The Not-So-Good:

  • The first episode of CROSSBONES does indeed plunge us right into an action-packed story, but that story is about a bunch of psychotic, cruel, and totally stereotypical barely human beings with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
  • John Malkovich great’s acting may in fact make him the best showbiz incarnation of Satan in a year that’s also distinguished by masterful showbiz incarnations of Satan.

Bottom Line:

CROSSBONES is the obvious result of a meeting that went like this:

Exec #1: GAME OF THRONES is the hottest thing on TV. Let’s give our audience all the barbarity of that one and watch it grow!

Exec #2: Plus pirates. Gotta have pirates for the kids.

Everyone involved in this exercise in re-hashed, over-the-top crap deserves to be tortured the same way they now are torturing their characters…and viewers.

The most disappointing thing about this series so far is that they won’t.