What does this shot mean? This stuff’s supposed to mean something, damnit.

Just finished watching the first 3 1/2 hours of HELIX. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. Let’s say that the first 3 1/2 hours played through on my gigantor screen but I only saw the first 48 minutes because…

I say because…

Wait for it.

Are you ready?

Because I fell asleep, dammit! Slowest damn pilot I’ve ever seen. I can’t believe that every single person who read the script, even no-nothing network executives didn’t stop at page 7 and get on the phone to try and cancel the deal.

Tip to Ron Moore: Slow, ponderous, and pompous does not equal suspense. Slow, ponderous, and pompous equals snore….

What’s happened to you, dood? More importantly, what’s happened to TV?

I’m not going to give away any spoilers because there’s nothing to spoil. Suffice it to say that all of those who were worried that HELIX would be too much like THE THING or THE WALKING DEAD can relax. What HELIX is too much like is NO THING. Because there’s absolutely nothing there.

Oh, and a word for critics like the guy who wrote the Entertainment Weekly review: Sorry, pal, but calling your review ” A way-too-early attempt to predict where Syfy’s new horror series is going” shows that you’re as off-base as the show. The point of a pilot is to set the course. To show one and all exactly where a show is going so that they can decide if they want to buy it (if they’re the network) or watch it (if they’re the audience). You should have been able to put your finger right on HELIX’s very essence. But you couldn’t, could you? Because there is no essence.

Time now for me to take my meds. Or maybe I’ll just give ’em to my monkeys. (If you can stay with the pilot for as long as I did you’ll see what I mean. If you can’t – good on you.

Author: LB

A legendary figure in the television writing and production world with a career going back to the late ’60s, Larry Brody has written and produced hundreds of hours of American and worldwide television and is a consultant to production companies and networks in the U.S. and abroad . Shows written or produced by Brody have won several awards including - yes, it's true - Emmys, Writers Guild Awards, and the Humanitas Award.

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