Anyone Remember “Confessionals?”

It was a genre, way back in the day. Fallen out of favor now. Replaced by Exploitative Memoirs. But the following, by a Utah man, may bring ’em back…with a vengeance:

Dead man confesses all in self-written obituary
by Sun News

A Utah man took his secrets to the grave – but confessed them in his obituary.

Val Patterson, of Salt Lake City, died of throat cancer on July 10, at the age of 59. The death notice he wrote for himself appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune this past Sunday.

“Now that I have gone to my reward, I have confessions and things I should now say,” Patterson wrote.
He starts out admitting to a crime.

“As it turns out, I AM the guy who stole the safe from the Motor View Drive Inn back in June 1971. I wanted to get it off my chest.”

Then he reveals that the PhD on his wall was mailed to him as the result of a paperwork error. In fact, he never even graduated.

“For all of the electronic engineers I have worked with,
I’m sorry, but you have to admit my designs always worked very well, and were well engineered, and I always made you laugh at work.”

In the lighthearted letter, which runs nearly 900 words long, Patterson describes a fun and fulfilling life, and thanks his friends, family and pets.

Patterson’s wife of 33 years, Mary Jane, told KSL News every word of it is true.

In a final act of contrition, Patterson tells Disneyland and SeaWorld San Diego they can throw away the “banned for life” files they have on him.

“I’m not a problem anymore.”

Read it all

Now this is writing! Brilliant. We absolutely are going to do this. We have to.

But not for a very long time.

We hope.