by Robin Reed
Well, they didn’t tell me. I am the target audience for any show with a science fiction, fantasy, or horror premise. I will watch anything in those genres. And Stephen King – I have two shelves devoted to his books. I haven’t caught up with “The Colorado Kid” yet, a short novel of Mr. King’s from a few years ago, but if I had heard a hint of a TV show being made that was based on it, I would have been there to check it out.
Instead, I discovered “Haven” due to insomnia, by which I mean I couldn’t sleep, not the title of another Stephen King book. I got up and watched TV, switching to Syfy (still hate the new name) because that’s where I always start a TV session. I move on only when I have seen the show or movie already or if even I can’t stand the particular CGI monster that appears before my wondering eyes.
“Haven” is set in a coastal Maine town, but I knew that these kinds of shows are never shot in the U.S., and indeed the long and detailed Wikipedia article (someone knew about this show, and wrote a long and very boring article about it) says it is produced in Nova Scotia. Seemingly it was first developed for E!, which as far as I know doesn’t do scripted shows at all. (E! is one of the channels that produces an autonomic thumb movement on my remote to get past it as fast as possible.)
Stop me if you have heard this before: An outsider (FBI agent Audrey Parker) arrives in a small town (Haven, Maine) on a routine case (or to solve a murder, or is brought there by a son she didn’t know she had) and discovers that a lot of strange things happen in that town. There may even be clues about her own identity. When the first case is wrapped up, she is offered a job as a sheriff’s deputy (or something) and stays on. You should have stopped me, that’s “Once Upon a Time,” and several other shows the titles of which don’t leap to mind.
So I watched two and a half episodes, and when I got some sleep and then looked it up I found that this show has been running since 2010. It is distributed all over the world. I have never heard of it. I have never seen an ad for it. We’re going into the third season and it has escaped my SF, fantasy and horror addled brain entirely.
Now that I have discovered it, I will watch it again. The next time I can’t sleep. The stories weren’t that exciting or original. The Stephen King story must have been better.
The last episode I saw involved men in the town aging and dying in three days after making it with a mysterious hottie. At the end we find that said hottie has a baby every time she seduces a man. One of the series regulars (and possible love interest for Audrey) Duke Crocker starts to age and just before he perishes from all the latex in his old age makeup, Audrey tries to place the baby in his arms to see if the life energy will go back into him. No, it hurts him to bring the baby near him. But he recovers and the baby is shipped off to be adopted somewhere. The logic of the story is completely blown. We know either the baby or Mr. Crocker has to die. It has to have been written that way. Mr. Crocker is one of those characters you know won’t die because he’s in every episode. The baby is just a prop wrapped in a blanket. Someone intervened and told them you can’t kill a baby. So they reshot a little and made them both survive. Then why did the other two men die? Why does the story matter?
I will go read “The Colorado Kid” and see if it bears any resemblance to this show.