LB: “Why is Television So Bad?”

For over 40 years people, upon hearing that I write-produce TV shows, have always – and I mean always, felt obligated to ask the not-very-musical question, “Why is television so bad?”

I hate this question for any number of reasons, starting with the fact that not only does it assume that the shows on TV are bad but also that I agree with that assumption. Which, for the record, I don’t.

Today, however,  a Medieval Bestiary website I accidentally came across gave me an answer that I’ll be proud to reply with the next time the question is asked. My reply will be bullshit, of course, because I still don’t buy the negative assumption, but, hey, bullshitting is just another word for “writing fiction” anyway, and I think I’ve earned the right to live as well as work and think like a fiction writer by now.

So, speaking of bullshit, here’s my answer to “Why is television so bad?”

“Bonnacon.”

As in, per Bestiary.Ca, “The bonnacon is a beast with a head like a bull, but with horns that curl in towards each other. Because these horns are useless for defense, the bonnacon has another weapon. When pursued, the beast expels its dung which travels a great distance (as much as two acres), and burns anything it touches.”

That’s right, little doods. TV is constantly blasting out crap because the television industry is one gigantic bonnacon, and all that shit is our very bestest defense against those who love destroying creative people’s dreams.

Onward now to the next Most Frequently Asked Question: How do I get an agent?”

I’m thinking “Bonnacon” might work for that one too.

 

LB: Why I’ve Never Had a Real Job, With a Real Corporation

Or, at least, never held onto one for very long:

Niklas Roy: “Perpetual Energy Wasting Machine”

You know TV Writers Are in Trouble When Even Newspaper Strip Artists Diss Us

A lovely day’s Drabble, from November 9, 2012:

If this is what people working in a dying medium think of us, what’s on everyone else’s mind?

LB: Shit! They Stole My Signature…um…Signature. Shit!

Whitney Cummings’ new talk show premieres 11/28 on E!

Ever get an e-mail from me? Remember how it was signed?

Right, same as my posts on the TVWriter™ Message Board and most of my articles on this blog:

LYMI,

LB

But I’ve never, ever sent an e-mail – that I know of – to Whitney Cummings or Chelsea Handler. And yet, Ms. Cummings new serfies on E!, produced by Ms. Handler, is called – brace yourselves now:

LOVE YOU, MEAN IT WITH WHITNEY CUMMINGS

Dayum!

Uh…what’s that? You didn’t know LYMI stood for Love You Mean It? Really? But Whitney and Chelsea knew. Oh yeah, they did. Skip Brittenham is coming for you, ladies. Get ready to settle.

(Yeah, I know my pockets might be deeper than theirs because how else could I afford the primo entertainment attorney in L.A.? But still, it’s principle, gang, principle, I say.

Why the hell did I trademark TVWriter™ and not LYMI?

And I thought retirement would lessen my stress….

LYMI, (See? There it is)

LB

Users’ Guide to ANIMATION on TVWriter™

Redundant but necessary verbiage:

TVWriter™ is more than just daily posts about TV, writing, and the collected obsessions of those of us who work here? It’s also the longest running, most complete site about the ins and outs, both creative and economic, of television writing on the web. We’re talking contests, workshops, and page after page of info based on Larry Brody’s 30+ year long career.

New verbiage:

On other posts, we’ve talked about the People’s Pilot and Spec Scriptacular TV and screenwriting competitions, the various online workshops at what we call TVWriter University, our THE BASICS OF TV WRITING mini-site, and LB’s experiences working on various versions of STAR TREK with (and, sadly, without) Gene Roddenberry. Now we want to officially call your attention to another mini-site about a little phenomenon known as:

After a short retirement in the early ’90s, LB went back to running TV shows, trading in primetime network broadcasting (been there, done that, you know the drill) for children’s animation. Among the shows he wrote or ran are SUPERMAN, THE SILVER SURFER, SPIDER-MAN, SPIDER-MAN UNLIMITED, and (the cult classic and very adult animated show) SPAWN. We hope you’ll take advantage of the info here and also that you’ll send in any questions you have on the subject so the boss can answer them here on TVWriter™.

You can find the ANIMATION mini-site by scrolling down the index to the right of this post. Or, if you’re in a rush, just place your cursor here and, you know, click.

Enjoy!