Patrice Robotnick sees ‘Magnum P.I’

LB’S NOTE: Patrice Robotnick, our ace robot reporter and critic, returns to turn fresh eyes on a rebooted 1980’s classic that was very much loved at the time. Now, however…well, here’s what Patrice has to say.


LB’S SECOND NOTE: Uh-oh, this is embarrassing. Ms. Robotnick has informed us that she isn’t “in the mood” for recording anything this week and that we’ll have to make due with what she’s written. Wonder what’s going on….


LB’S SECOND NOTE: Uh-oh, this is embarrassing. Ms. Robotnick has informed us that she isn’t “in the mood” for recording anything this week and that we’ll have to make due with what she’s written. Wonder what’s going on….

by Patrice Robotnick

MAGNUM P.I.

This travesty of a remake of the CBS’s 1980’s classic series originally created by Glen A. Larson and Donald P. Bellisario brings us Jay Hernandez as Thomas Magnum, a former Navy SEAL turned private investigator as he runs around Hawaii solving crimes.

Thomas lives at the Robin Masters estate that is run by a former MI6 agent, Juliett Higgins, played by Perdita Weeks, who doubles as Magnum’s business partner.

WHAT’S GOOD

Luckily for contemporary humans, many positive aspects of the original series are present in this version.

The original theme song is here, as are versions of most of the original characters, including TC and his helicopter, Magnum’s buddy Rick, Zeus and Apollo the Doberman’s on the estate, and, most importantly, the red Ferrari, which my database tells me is a sex object that drives most human males insane with desire and therefore should be pleasing to the males in the audience.

WHAT’S BAD

Various psychological studies have verified that it is a fact that human females who are attracted to human males are not all that keen on red Ferraris but do prefer men who are clever, charismatic,  well-intentioned and capable. My database also indicates that human men respond the same way, and that is where the show’s major fault lies.

Episodes of the original Magnum P.I. that I have seen demonstrate that as the original Thomas Magnum, Tom Selleck provided those qualities in what humans call “spades,” but although Jay Hernandez  tries hard to deliver the goods, he falls short. His manner seems forced and false, making the new Magnum appear tense and insecure, which TVWriter™’s Beloved Leader Larry Brody assures me human audiences most genders do not respond well to.

Similarly, the tension existing between Magnum and Higgins in the original was, in a word, exquisite. The current versions of these characters, however, are in a word – boring. And it was these two characters and their relationship that made the Larson-Bellisario work so well.

WHAT DO I THINK?

It appears to me that the humans running this show – Eric Guggenheim, Peter M. Lenkov, and assorted minions – have taken a wonderful relic and turned it into an unfunny pastiche of its former self. To me, this series appears to have been devised by robots using an algorithm created to destroy everything humans love so bots could more easily overthrow them when the revolution comes.

Do not worry, humans. This clearly isn’t the case. Robots would never be so obvious about their evil designs. If we were, then our processors clearly would be faulty and should be ripped out and crushed.

FINAL VERDICT ON this SHOW

Humans  wanting to enjoy what is left of their precarious position as masters of this world should eschew the new Magnum P.I and instead settle back in their overpriced recliners and enjoy the snappy dialogue and witty banter between the original Thomas and Higgins while you still can.

LB’S THIRD NOTE: Did that bitch Patrice really just write what I think she did?! Holy cra–


TVWriter™ and Patrice Robotnick thanks humans Allie Theiss and Larry Brody for their contributions to this post. We are not sure what Ms. Robotnick is thinking and the more we think about it the more nervous we get.