munchman: Does Everything Have to Suck?

File this one under why we think Gizmodo.Com doesn’t suck:

Sometimes we think this painting sucks. Sometimes we don’t.

It’s OK to Be a Hater Because Everything Is Bad – by Sam Biddle

Almost everything is bad. Usually, really bad, and not even bad in an interesting way. Tech is no exception—if anything, tech might be the worst of the bad. The Internet? Gross. The people who use it? Ugh. And it’s fine to hate it all.

If you walk out of your door during daylight you’ll have to look at your feet in order not to see something horrible. And even then, you might be wearing some dumb shoes I hate, like those dumbass finger shoes. If you wear those, go to hell. Then look up, and I bet you’ll see someone wearing Beats By Dre headphones. Follow him back to his apartment, and he probably has some idiot overpriced Bose sound dock that plays music just as well as something cheaper, but because he’s a suggestible semi-human, he bought bulky rainbow idiot headphones and that dock. He bought them because he just wants to look cool, and feel cool, and be accepted. And he is, because everyone around him is just as dumb. Look, that girl’s wearing Beats By Dre too, or maybe they’re the equally bad variant churned out by a few spare neurons of 50 Cent’s. Maybe she saw the same ads I see every day on the subway for Monster audio equipment. She wants something bright on her head due to some low evolutionary reflex, and anything expensive is good. That’s the way things work. Expensive things are better, no how many articles we and our peers write to the contrary. If you buy the most expensive, widely advertised headphones, they’ll be the best. The bigger the poster on the subway, the better the headphone. Does it have a letter on the side of it? Is it shit lime green and shiny? Is it tacky and horrible? Buy that, at Best Buy, because it’s the good one.

People who buy headphones are awful.

But of course they’re not alone. Most Android users are insufferable and the worst too. No, you see, it’s fine that this phone is ugly and slow, because you can root it and customize it. Don’t you want to spend hours customizing your phone? Don’t you realize how superior the flexibility of a new ROM is? Don’t you know what a ROM is? Aren’t you downloading a ROM? Download a ROM and put it on your phone—or just use that iPhone, you troglodyte. You poseur. Meanwhile I’ll be over here installing my ROM. Power use. Power user, power using. I’ve got this thing customized like you wouldn’t believe. Don’t believe it? Watch me as I’m forced to manually install an app so I can get text notifications that are actually visible outside of the notification bar. It doesn’t matter that the keyboard my phone came with is this bad. I’m downloading a new one right now. Fragmentation? Fragment me. Fragment me and throw away the key, or whatever.

I hate you. Oh hey guess what:

iPads are fucking horrible, as a concept…

Read it all

There’s more, but since I didn’t write it, that’s enough for here. (Although you can still click above and go, you know, there.) I started this post in response to a message from LB asking me to be more positive in what I wrote on TVWriter™. But when you get down to it, being positive about something inherently negative probably isn’t very positive at all, is it?

Hey, I tried.